Day 12 ~ Holiday cheer, dammit...
It's been missing around these parts. All of our holiday trimmings are still in boxes, and since the move...I couldn't even tell you where the boxes are. Attic? Storage? Garage? I've been feeling grinchy, and even all of the beautiful pictures of trees decorated with generations of family ornaments have not kicked me out of this funk. Some years feel abundant and joyous. Some years are a bit more of a struggle. This year has felt a little low. Maybe it's because the kids are older and the mystery of Santa is no longer, well...mysterious. Maybe it's because we've skipped a few of our annual holiday traditions due to scheduling conflicts. I just keep shoving those thoughts aways...and then I looked at the calendar yesterday. December 11th. The freaking eleventh??? I spent today having that panicky, oh my god, what about all the things we have to DO, thoughts? What about all of the places we have to GO? What about all of the things we need to MAKE? Will all of the people that we love know that we love them if we don't show them? We love a lot of people. And we want them to know they're loved. How will they know it if we don't do all of the stuff, and go all the places and make all of the things for all of them? I definitely got myself in a lather worrying about it. Not unusual for me this time of year. But a couple of things happened over the course of the day. First, I read this piece by my friend Beth. Wise words for sure. I also talked to my mama. And my sister. More wise words. So this afternoon on my way to pick up the kids, I had 45 minutes of solo car time to sit with all these stirred up feelings. A rush hour meditation as it were. This is what I've figured out. We love a lot of people. And when I can't be all the places and give all of the gifts and do all of the things for them, I'm afraid they won't feel loved and honored and appreciated in the way they deserve to be. When I just feel it, it makes me ache at the thought of it. But when I THINK about it? I see frantic runs to the craft store, grocery store, specialty store...mall (shudder). I see late night stitching and drawing and writing. I see overwhelm. Total overwhelm. Today for the first time, I saw it all laid out in front of me. And I released it. *poof*
Here's the thing. All of the kind, loving people that I want to abundantly shower all of the things on? They would never want that for me or our family. They wouldn't want us to feel crazy in order them to feel loved up right. I know this because I would never want anyone to ever feel overwhelmed by caring for us. Like never ever. Love is funny that way.
And so now here I sit, feeling pretty damn good about things...and full of holiday cheer. Tomorrow we're gonna hunt down those boxes of all of the sparkly trimmings. Over the coming weeks we're gonna bake up some cookies and make up some ornaments or some such. And we're gonna meet each day with what wonderful thing might come, and who we might get to hug along the way. The thought of this feels really, really good. Happy Holidays, y'all.